Panicking. Panicking. Panicking.
I’m a hypocrite and an idiot and a fucking addict.
They’re not exactly “officially” together, but they might as well be.
After everything that went down between us before, I honestly thought that we’d never speak again. I thought that we’d alienated each other for life. But I sent him a long, completely sincere apology on Sunday night… within a couple of hours, I was at his house, and he was tearing — literally tearing — my clothes off. I didn’t know that it was humanly possible to have sex four times within 10 minutes, but apparently, it is. The whole time, he looked me square in the eye and kept saying, “You are so much trouble.”
Before I left, I asked if I could kiss him goodbye, since it might very well be the last time. He said okay, and the next thing I knew… we were naked again. I’m not even sure of how it happened. This guy puts me in a black-out/fugue state — I barely know what I’m doing around him, and can hardly remember who initiated or how.
Needless to say… It was bestial and brutal and delicious and completely, utterly devastating. I didn’t shower all day yesterday because I wanted to go on smelling like him. And every time I took in his scent, I teared up all over again.
…And now, the inevitable backlash: I have to see them together in the same space and pretend that my stomach isn’t doing summersaults/twisting itself into massive, writhing knots. This girl has no idea of our history, let alone that this happened fewer than 48 hours ago, and he has no intention of enlightening her.
I’m honestly freaking the fuck out.
Thank God I’m moving out of state in less than a month. I just want to escape this. All of this.
How do I let these things careen so intensely out of control? What is with me?
TAKE ME AWAY.
I cannot the tell if I’m the happiest sad person ever or the saddest happy person ever, the sweetest bitch ever or the bitchiest sweetheart ever, the most cynical romantic ever or the most romantic cynic ever, a lovely woman with a touch of poison or an evil woman with a heart of gold…
A few thoughts:
1) Don’t get involved with anyone who you wish were different. He deserves someone who loves him — REALLY loves him. Meet people where they are and accept what they’re capable of giving. Love them for exactly who they are, with all their quirks and flaws and less-than-ideal characteristics. This is not to say that you should — under any circumstances — allow them to treat you poorly… you SHOULDN’T! But if the kindest, most respectful version of who someone is doesn’t complement you or meet your needs, disengage. Cut it off. Don’t hold on. It isn’t fair to him or to yourself. Everyone will end up hostile, resentful, and generally miserable. Guaranteed.
2) FYI: The next person I sleep with will be someone who calls me his girlfriend and tells me/shows me that he loves me *BEFORE* we’ve even taken our clothes off. That’s right: intimacy *BEOFE* getting physical — not getting physical first in hopes that a relationship will manifest as a result. I know that the latter works out okay for some people, but for me, all it ever does is drain me, turn me into an anxious, insecure disaster, and leave me feeling (repeatedly) used, duped, and otherwise emotionally pummeled. …I don’t care if this means that I wait until I’m six months into a relationship. I’m sick of walking away (or watching others walk away) feeling as though something has been taken from me, and that — worse yet — I’ve been an *accomplice* to this soul-robbery by essentially *allowing* it, over and over. I will no longer leave the door unlocked and then wonder why people have stolen from me. I want to feel fucking safe inside my own home. And my body *is* my home — my ultimate home.
3) Treating your significant other respectfully, actively caring about his/her feelings, and being willing to show up and put in the practical, valuable work is every bit as vital to a relationship as chemistry. Without that respect, active care, and willingness, what good is chemistry anyway? Naturally good connections need to be raised right/nourished — they cannot sustain themselves, not even on their intrinsic depth/authenticity. A person has to offer you the goods to back it all up. And by goods, I mean actions.
…I will remember this the next time I meet someone impossibly sexy and charismatic and charming and adorable who shows early signs of having the potential to treat me like shit. I suggest that you do, too!
More on this topic soon, I’m sure!