Jeanette-ic Disorder

I’m Gemini Ascending. This means that my stripper name is 100% Gemini Rising. Just sayin’… 

Sometimes a child will stare out of a window
for a moment or an hour—deciphering
the future from a dusky summer sky.

Does he imagine that some wisp of cloud
reveals the signature of things to come?
Or that the world’s a book we learn to translate?

And sometimes a girl stands naked by a mirror
imagining beauty in a stranger's eyes
finding a place where fear leads to desire.

For what is prophecy but the first inkling
of what we ourselves must call into being?
The call need not be large. No voice in thunder.

It's not so much what's spoken as what's heard—
and recognized, of course. The gift is listening
and hearing what is only meant for you.

Life has its mysteries, annunciations,
and some must wear a crown of thorns. I found
my Via Dolorosa in your love.

And sometimes we proceed by prophecy,
or not at all—even if only to know
what destiny requires us to renounce.

O Lord of indirection and ellipses,
ignore our prayers. Deliver us from distraction.
Slow our heartbeat to a cricket's call.

In the green torpor of the afternoon,
bless us with ennui and quietude.
And grant us only what we fear, so that

Underneath the murmur of the wasp
we hear the dry grass bending in the wind
and the spider's silken whisper from its web.

A few gems from my last conversation with Monique:

“I’m tired of giving these men my magic. They don’t recognize or appreciate it; every time I try to share it with them, I become a little less magical.”

-NOTE: If your partner *DOES* recognize and appreciate your magic, it increases TENFOLD (as opposed to draining out of you). 

“We have to be careful of who we let in. When you sleep with someone, you take on his karma.” 

-NOTE: If your karma is anything less than stellar, keep it the fuck away from my vagina. If your intentions with my body are anything less than thoroughly pure, you do not deserve an intense exchange of energy with me; you do not deserve to see me at my most vulnerable. 

*

The night before last, Amanda told me that someone recently advised her to wait six months before having sex with her next boyfriend. Although that sounds TORTUROUS, I understand the logic behind holding off. 

*

Alyson, who split with her girlfriend three months ago, confessed to me that she’s truly suffering. She needs nothing more than to be touched, but casual sex — for a sensitive, emotional being who’s FELT what it’s like to make-love-in-love — isn’t an option. It would very, VERY likely backfire and make her feel a whole lot worse. Sex with her ex would yield disastrous results and she’s *certainly* not prepared to be with anyone new. But her body is starving for love — screaming, “Please do this for me!”

I 100% empathize with her plight. Physical affection is one of the only things on this planet that makes me feel grounded, connected, and at peace. I’m a MUCH healthier, more balanced person when I’m having regular sex. But, like Alyson, after experiencing sex with someone who came to understand, honor, cherish, and exhibit genuine tenderness towards my body, I  *CAN’T* regress. I was never, ever comfortable with casual relations in the first place. I was *ALWAYS* innately hungry for intimacy. Now that I’ve gotten a taste of how gratifying, beautiful, and transcendent sex can be, there’s absolutely, positively NO GOING BACK — no tricking myself into believing that anything less will suffice. It won’t. Period. 

CONUNDRUM, CONUNDRUM — what to do?  

The only solutions I can see: Massages. Snuggling with your friends. Yoga. Dance. Masturbation. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE. 

I don’t care if I have to wait three years to have sex again (okay, that’s a lie — OF COURSE I care, but what else can I do?). No matter what, I am not opening my body to anyone until I have strong feelings for a man who returns my affections absolutely and unequivocally. Casual sex will not quell my loneliness — it will deepen it. And frankly, by now, I know better. 

• 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Nay to this sez I. I love my Jaydawg, but not like dat. 
• 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Hellz to the NO. INCORRECT, muthatruckah! 
• 3. Have you taken someones virginity? Nope. 
• 4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes and no. I’m *extremely* trusting by nature. In many instances, I open up too quickly, too easily — give/share my heart too readily. As a result, I’ve been burned, so as a measure of self-protection, I’ve learned to trust less. :/
• 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? No. WTF, survey? Are you TRYING to make me sad? 
• 6. What are you excited for? Camp Love in the Catskills! 
• 7. What happened tonight? Took Bec’s yoga class, talked to Jaya on the phone.
• 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Nah. I’ve been thurr! The last time I got really wasted, I ended up getting kicked out of a bar and leaving a myriad of confessional voice messages on the bathroom floor a LI diner. #lookatchya life… lookatchya choices 
• 9. Is confidence cute? Uh-huh! 
• 10. What is the last beverage you had? Water 
• 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Very few, truthfully.
• 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Nope. 
• 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Party in Fort Green. 
• 14. What are you going to spend money on next? Probably sushi? Or a pedicure? 
• 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Nope. 
• 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yes, and I welcome it!
• 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Alyson, Monique
• 18. The last time you felt broken? Minorly fractured? Probably yesterday. :P Truly broken? Last December/January/February. 
• 19. Have you had sex today? It’s just me and my hand tonight… 
• 20. Are you starting to realize anything? Your early/mid-twenties are only the very beginning… Life requires PATIENCE; time demands its respect. If you refuse to acknowledge this, you’re going to squander a lot of your precious energy bashing your pretty, little forehead against a cement wall.